Depression is a strange being

There are times now that I’m almost painfully aware of reality. It’s a very strange feeling. I’m aware everything is real, but I also feel like reality is hanging on by a very thin thread of  that can easily be snatched away at anytime, and reveal a completely different reality, universe even.

I know this sounds strange, but I wonder if this is how I’ve always thought, or it’s a anti-depressant side effect, or if the antidepressant is making me more aware of my already way of thinking.

I guess the upside to depression is the creative thinking?

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Depression gets better, even when it feels hopeless.

I felt ugly. I went to the mirror to reassure those feelings,  to accepf that I was ugly. But that’s not what happened. I went to the mirror and noticed all the things I loved about my face. My lips, my cheekbones, my complexion, all beautiful.

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It’s been a year since I started therapy. There were times throughout the process that I felt it wasn’t working. That changing your mindset wasn’t something that could really fix it. How can you thoughts fix your depression if it’s caused by a chemical imbalance? I thought anti-depressants would keep me from feeling sad. That wasn’t true either. While they did keep me from hitting rock bottom, the kind of rock bottom that keeps you crying for hours with no end in sight, the kind of rock bottom that keeps you from getting out of bed, the kind of rock bottom that makes you feel ok with dying, it didn’t give me the happiness I thought was automatic with drugs. It didn’t make me numb like I was hoping either. Because why feel anything at all?

But this photo proves therapy is working, my anti-depressants, as well as my cannabis, has their purpose, and that happiness isn’t something you just get, it’s something you have to work on. Even though you have moments of sadness, they’re only temporary. People get sad, it’s ok. You’re not weak, you’re not crazy, you’re human.

As I looked in the mirror to assure myself I was ugly, something happened. My initial thoughts of self loathing started shifting with more positive affirmations. And then the final thought came that shut all of them up.

“You’re not ugly, and stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. Nothing good will come of this. Get out of the damn bathroom and work on something productive.”

So I did. I took this picture and kept it moving.