I felt ugly. I went to the mirror to reassure those feelings, to accepf that I was ugly. But that’s not what happened. I went to the mirror and noticed all the things I loved about my face. My lips, my cheekbones, my complexion, all beautiful.
It’s been a year since I started therapy. There were times throughout the process that I felt it wasn’t working. That changing your mindset wasn’t something that could really fix it. How can you thoughts fix your depression if it’s caused by a chemical imbalance? I thought anti-depressants would keep me from feeling sad. That wasn’t true either. While they did keep me from hitting rock bottom, the kind of rock bottom that keeps you crying for hours with no end in sight, the kind of rock bottom that keeps you from getting out of bed, the kind of rock bottom that makes you feel ok with dying, it didn’t give me the happiness I thought was automatic with drugs. It didn’t make me numb like I was hoping either. Because why feel anything at all?
But this photo proves therapy is working, my anti-depressants, as well as my cannabis, has their purpose, and that happiness isn’t something you just get, it’s something you have to work on. Even though you have moments of sadness, they’re only temporary. People get sad, it’s ok. You’re not weak, you’re not crazy, you’re human.
As I looked in the mirror to assure myself I was ugly, something happened. My initial thoughts of self loathing started shifting with more positive affirmations. And then the final thought came that shut all of them up.
“You’re not ugly, and stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. Nothing good will come of this. Get out of the damn bathroom and work on something productive.”
So I did. I took this picture and kept it moving.